Funny Dog New Years Resolutions by Breed
Every year, people across the country pledge to ditch diet soda, get in shape and save money. Most of us throw in the towel by about Jan. 3, but maybe our dogs will have better luck.
Since they can't write down their New Year's resolutions themselves, we gave these funny dogs a helping hand. What's your dog's resolution this year?
The Frenchie New Year's resolution: Try Botox
We're all for body positivity, but whose big idea was it to give us twice as much skin as we need? You could fit two of us in one, and we're tired of it.
We're not sure a full facelift is for us. We're dogs. We have an appearance to keep up, and the poodles will never take us seriously at the dog park if we show up with fillers and a brow lift. Just out of curiosity, though, does Botox come in bacon flavor?
The Pug New Year's resolution: Get a job as a busboy
Food is our favorite. We want food for the New Year. Did we say food? We meant a job. We can't breathe or point our eyes in one direction, but we can eat. Uh, clean tables. With our faces. It's organic and sustainable. Plz hire us, especially if you own a pizza joint. Or a burger place. Or anywhere that sells anything semi-edible.
The Golden Retriever's New Year's resolution: Reclaim the dog bed from evil
Repeat after me: That's my bed. That's my bowl. We can do this. They're just cats. We can stand up to 8 pounds of audacity and claws, right? Mom got us an extra-large, memory foam bed, and it's about time we get to lay in it.
We're done being the nice guys that no one takes seriously. We're going to start taking treats like we mean it. Heck, we might even steal food off the table and hide your favorite socks. Or not, because we're drowning in shame just thinking about it.
The Poodle New Year's resolution: Establish oneself as an actual dog
See this nonsense? Look at it. It's preposterous. Do Belgian malinois get decorated for Halloween? No, they do not. We're just as intelligent and infinitely more classy, and it's high time we get the respect we deserve. Here's the plan: Start acting like actual dogs. Just visited the groomer? Go roll in poop, immediately. Yes, it's uncivilized and disgusting, but we have to shatter the illusion that we're toys to be played with. Don't test us because we have enough fur to smother you in your sleep. We probably wouldn't, but do you really want to find out?
The German Shepherd New Year's resolution: Get owner a work-from-home gig
Seeking: A ful tyme hooman job. For a hooman. This iz definitly not a dog riting this. I am a hooman who needs a new job I can do at my houz. It's definitly not becuz my dog is very lonely. No way. My koalifications? I dunno wat Excel is, but I excel at giving belly rubs, treat preparation and long walks in the park. Could improov at snack and snugl freekwency.
The Dachshund New Year's resolution: Get more vertical lift and less back pain
Poodles, we get it. No one takes you seriously because you're fluffy. No one takes us seriously because we're shaped like processed meat sticks with legs. We can totally jump off the couch. We're athletic. Why won't anyone believe us? The lower back pain is purely from our intense training session, cleaning the kitchen floor with our faces. It's not because we weren't built to jump at all. The. Vet. Is Wrong.
Pembroke Welsh Corgis
The Corgi New Year's resolution: To demand more respect from royal subjects
Queen Elizabeth II owned more than 30 corgis throughout her life. If that isn't enough to convince you we deserve royal treatment, don't speak to us. We would rather run away to the pound than accept such disrespect. We deserve nothing but the finest biscuits, and we expect our dish to be filled with clotted cream instead of this pathetic, wet substance. Water, the peasants tell us. How undignified. What next? They'll expect us to walk on a leash instead of in a carriage.
The Husky New Year's resolution: Launch a promising opera career
Our talent has been squandered so far, and we demand an audience. Our unmatched projection and stamina top that of every candidate on "The Voice." We'd also be down to challenge this year's political candidates to a debate. We don't know anything about foreign policy unless it involves rodents, but that doesn't matter. We'll talk so much that no one has time to offer a rebuttal.
The Aussie New Year's resolution: Get the neighbor kids in line
It's a lawless town over here, and it ends now. These children seem to be under the impression that they are the boss of us. We'll wait until you finish laughing. We know that it sounds ridiculous, but it's true.
We tried tough love, but when we nipped their heels, we were scolded. It was for their own good, but mom is weak. We'll just have to take the reins. Perhaps they can learn proper obedience from the sheep.
The Chihuahua New Year's resolution: Move to the Bahamas
Is it cold in here? Why aren't any of you people wearing parkas? It has to be 30 below in here, and we're tired of being gaslit into thinking we're the ones with the problem. You're the ones who are too cheap to turn up the heat.
We demand multiple pairs of long underwear, a roaring fire in the hearth nightly,or to spend winters at the equator. We're so cold, we can't tell whether we're shaking from the temperature or from unbridled rage.
The Doge New Year's resolution: Erase the doge meme from memory
We were well-respected members of the dog community for centuries. Our ancestors were worshiped. And then, some disrespectful buffoon turned us into the laughingstock of the internet. They turned us into a meme. We still aren't sure what a meme is, but we're guessing it's some kind of rude cat that likes to spread deceitful slander.
They even turned us into some kind of currency. At first, we were flattered, but our value can't be quantified. We're priceless. We're currently studying every film from the 2000s that featured computer hackers to learn how to wipe these "memes" from every computer in the world. If that doesn't work, arson is always an option.
Bernese Mountain Dogs
The Bernese Mountain Dog New Year's resolution: Love everything that breathes, enthusiastically
We love love. We already love everything, but we want to love everything more. The neighbor cat? Love it. The chipmunk outside? Love. We can't think of anything we don't love, except crates and newspapers. We would like to protect our home from bad guys and protect the bad guys from themselves. Maybe if they had more bacon, they wouldn't be so irritable.
Jack Russell Terriers
The Jack Russell New Year's resolution: Show the neighborhood squirrels no mercy
Vengeance is nigh. They must be destroyed, once and for all. The squirrels spent all of this year mocking us through the glass door. They laughed at us when we crashed face-first into the screen, and they must pay for their arrogance. We will learn to climb trees if we have to, and when we catch those squirrels, we will leave their remains on the front lawn as a warning to the rest. You can thank us later.
The Shih Tzu New Year's resolution: Try a new perfume
In 2022, we started going to therapy. It helped us learn to be honest with ourselves, so we can finally admit what we've been in denial about since birth. We're cute, but we smell. We thought it was our humans, but it's not. We're the problem. We smell vaguely damp at all times, and it isn't pleasant. We tried applying mom's favorite perfume, but apparently, breaking the bottle and rolling in its contents wasn't the correct method. We'll try eating it next time.
The Italian Greyhound New Year's resolution: Turn over a new leaf at the dog park
Hi. Hello. Hi. We have a problem. We have so much personality, but we're so nervous. We're nervous all the time, but we're also so fun. We want to play with everyone else so badly, but they take one look at us shivering on the park bench and assume we don't want to. We do! We're just a little scared of everything.
What if the Dobermans judge our sweaters? What if they make fun of our snouts? A bulldog pointed out our chicken legs once, and we've never recovered. This year, it'll be different. We're going to put ourselves out there. Maybe.
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